Thursday, December 15, 2005

Why Will?

Okay...I've got to throw this out there. It's been nagging at me for oh...the last ten years or so. It's not a personal attack on 'him'. They are MY FEELINGS and I'm never going to apologize for them.

I fell in love with Will.

I honestly can't remember how I even met him. What I can remember is how I wasn't able to control him. I remember how hilarious he was. I remember how incredibly sexy and smooth his almond skin was to touch. I remember how amazingly soft those lips were to kiss. I remember the infectuous laugh. The general insanity. I remember the heartache.

The heartache.

Crying over him. Loving him and being semi-loved in return.

I remember him wanting me to 'do him' in the days where I had never done anyone and vowed not to ever do so until I was in a commited relationship. He could have been "the one" easily. Love like I felt for him was amazing. I still feel warm when I think of him.

I also curse him. He's back in my life. He's a quasi-friend again. I feel like a semi-friend and semi-loved all over again.

He did a fine job all of those years ago of making me feel like I could be 'the one' for him. The one to make him settle down. The one he would love to grow old with, but on the flip side he was still fucking around with everyone behind my back. But, he made me feel this way with his general smooth-talking and soft-lip kissing manipulation.

He describes in great detail of his conquests with 'Lifeguard' and 'Randy' and how they both maipulated his little heart. He remembers every detail. I was around in those days. What hurts most is that I was a 'Sidebar' to him. I merely occupied his time and I don't think I made as big of an impact on him as he did on me.

I cherished him. I floundered around trying to be perfect for him.

I lost.

He claims that he doesn't remember much of his time with me. That he was extremely messed up on drugs and everything else. A convenient memory loss? Perhaps.

All I know is I was there through many of the things he describes with a laser-sharp accuracy. He describes friends at the gay Denny's. Chances are, I was one of those friends...sitting there at the table thinking that I was more than just a friend. Watching him work his magical intoxication on these guys right in front of my oblivious face.

I was a fool to ever fall for him.

How can I ever get over him? Hearing his voice today makes me melt. The laugh. The raspiness. The sexiness. The innuendo that effortlessly slides off of his tongue.

My heart still skips a beat.

Why Will?


Anonymous The Peach said...

Because...honey, we're gay. We're fucked up, we're indecisive, we're children that refuse to grow up because that might mean we'll turn out like our parents. We'd rather submerse ourselves in childlike entertainment with the hopes it will keep us young. We never realize how great we have it until it's over. We want what we cannot have.
My suggestion?
Honey, purge. Purge honey, purge and make sure it doesn't get backed up! Plunging to bring this trash back up is highly frowned upon.

7:17 PM

Anonymous The Jo said...

Do you want me to drive up to P-town and slap that bitch? Mama will do it for you. I'm only a few hours away... When is he coming back? I'd love to see him or hear from him. But alas... Perhaps he doesn't remember me either. But I remember. I remember how it was for you. I love you and hope to see you all in the new year.

5:42 PM

Blogger Mikester said...
hope you can move on and cut him out........would be for the best, i'd think :)

4:21 PM


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