Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Why am I such a jerk?

Well, I never really thought I was a jerk. My boyfriend thinks otherwise and confirmed it last night when he told me to my face that I am "such an asshole and a jerk". I wasn't sure why he was telling me this. I couldn't recall being an asshole or a jerk.

Here's the whole story, leading up to my jerky assholiness:

Apparently, last Sunday, I was having a great day getting wasted with my best friend, Donna. We...well, what did we do? It's a blur.

Oh yeah, I remember...

...We were hanging out at the house, drinking, watching the replay of the Space Shuttle launch (in HD) with the volume down, and listening to my Shirley Bassey Remix CD...you know, Moonraker, Diamonds Are Forever, etc.

Good stuff.

We were having a great time until we got a "craving" for some food. We had to get out of the house and do so promptly. (It's amazing how quickly moods can shift when blitzed.)

We pile into the cool driving machine -- the 1996 Gold Staurn SL2 with the hurricane damage -- and start barreling down the GreenWay towards Disney.

Not knowing where to eat, I had a brilliant idea! Earl of Sandwich!

If you've never had one of these delicious sandwiches at Downtown Disney's Marketplace...go...go now!

Donna and I both landed on "the Frenchy". It's yummy ham with creamy brie and some dijonaise-type sauce. Piled on ciabatta bread. Heaven. Pair that with some Miss Vickie's Salt-and-Vinegar Potato Chips and a mini bottle of red wine. My taste buds were exploding. We finished the meal with a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. Holy shit...that thing was incredible.

Hmmm...almost sounds like we had the "munchies", doesn't it?

After the meal of a lifetime (Thanks, Earl!), we piled back in the HurricaneCharlieMobile and tootled down to the bar at Planet Hollywood.

Mistake. Furiously downing our Long Islands to get out of that "downer", we were back on the road and heading for the quick trip to the Walt Disney World Dolphin Hotel.

$7 to self park!? Screw that!

We parked at Fantasia Gardens Mini-Golf and hoofed it over to the Dolphin.

Sitting down at the ultra-hip Todd English's Bluezoo, we were ready to continue this day of giddiness. I ordered us an 'Incredible Hulk'. It's the blue Hypnotiq with Hennessey. That green monster kicked our butts. The $25 bill for the two drinks almost enraged me to clothes-ripping proportions. Thanks, Mr. English...we're sure to be back. *Cough*

Then we danced and drove (love my BPM on xm) back to the condo.

The Indonesians were home. That would be Beny (my boyfriend) and Franky (my torturer). I think we were all having fun. It's more of a blur. I do remember drinking red Sangria with little chunks of diced apple. I do remember Beny going to bed early. I also recall sitting outside and drunkenly talking with Franky.

I didn't remember being a jerk. Apparently, I was.

Apparently, I always become a jerk when I get too drunk.

I seem to mouth off like a loose cannon, "shooting salad" all over the place.

It's a Dirty Shame.

Naturally, I don't remember telling Franky that he should be grateful for living rent-free in my condo. A comment that I myself don't even agree with! I chose to open my home to him and I want for him to be able to rebuild his life. I want to be a part of that. Why? Because he is a rare gem and a genuinely compassionate person and deserves it. I really care about Franky. Friends like him are hard to find.

With my sharp tongue, I have ruined the friendship...I think.

Franky thinks I'm a jerk. Beny thinks I'm a jerk. I guess I am a jerk.

What I know for certain, is that I want Franky to continue living with me and Beny. But, I've removed the "comfort-level" that he shared by living with us. I made him feel like shit by yanking the rug out from under his feet. Beny has told me that Franky is now shopping for apartments. Something Franky should not need to do.

I feel horrible about this...especially because I didn't mean it.

There were many factors contributing to my foolish dialogue. I'm deeply concerned that I have lost a dear friend. Someone that I had hoped to have around for a long time.

Why can't I just get drunk and have fun without ruining it for everyone?

Why can't I just bite my tongue? Ouch.

Why am I such a jerk?


Blogger Willie said...

Wow. You have a lot going on. I have found only recently that I have much more fun when I am not shitfaced, and the people I am around enjoy my company much more. That't just me, not sure if the same would work for you. Worth a try. I had sushi for lunch today, it was f-ing great. If you don't like sushi you better start liking it before I get there this winter. Oh by the way, I'm coming to visit in January. Did I mention that? I love you Chris, and I want you to love yourself.

6:33 PM

Blogger Princess Guiness said...

Personally, I'm convinced that a Long Island Tea in my hand may be the work of the devil. Though we all have to deal with the consequences of the choices we make. Life's a bitch that way. Unfortunately -or not-I had a strikingly similar experience earlier this summer.

It's a sucky feeling to know that a friendship might be ruined by something you've said - and yet don't remember saying. I've come to accept that the worst thing that can happen is that we'll never speak again. And life will go on. On the flipside, this incident could one day be a fun, Remember-when-I-got-drunk-and... -story.

But what can you do? We all fall from grace... it happens to the best of us, Chris. And someone you know will eventually do the same thing to you. You don't know what people are capable of until you really know them. Whether you're a jerk or not is irrelevant, the friends you're meant to keep will stand by you and those you're not will fall away.

1:27 PM

Blogger TripAway2Day said...

I really appreciate the words of support.

12:02 PM

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4:28 PM


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