Monday, July 11, 2005

Why am I in this "state"?

No. Not Florida. I'll have to save my rant on this whacked-out state of Florida for another day.

I'm referring to my current "emotional" state.

I've been feeling weak, emotional, and vulnerable.

I'm not sure what "place" or "state" I am in right now. This uncertainty has left me feeling very out-of-sorts. I'm not even sure who I actually am these past few days.

I think I owe my recent vacation to a portion of this "state". That city so nice they named it twice showed me that there is much more out there than living in this artifical city of Orlando. A city that is leaving me to feel as artifical as it truly is. A city lacking in "real-ness". A city full of people that think they are ever-so-metropolitan, but in actuality...they are Lakelanders with nicer clothing.

The void was filled for me in NYC. Now that I have returned, the void has reopened.

But, the void has grown even deeper...approaching Grand Canyon proportions when it comes to the status of my relationship with Beny.

There are some terrible dynamics occuring. The frequency of the infidelity (from both sides) and the divide between us is growing so rapidly that I can't keep up. I'm feeling emotionally bankrupt. I am feeling "wrong" for not caring. I'm feeling "right" on the off-occasions when I do "care".

The honeymoon is over. The threesomes have lead to "secrets". I have uncovered at least one secret per week for the last three weeks.

That's not a good track record.

Naturally, I have secrets of my own.

Franky has moved in to our house (condo). I'm happy about it. He seems to be in an emotional state where I was 3 1/2 years ago. Single, lonely, and looking for "someone to come home to". Well, now I'm in the odd position of being that "someone". I'm also in the odd position of enjoying it. Especially since Beny is never really there for me to "come home to" anymore. I'm lucky if he looks up from the laptop to even recognize my arrival.

But, I can't commit to Franky. Hello. I'm in a relationship. But, I want to commit to him. I really like him. I'm hesitant, however, because I haven't known him long enough to know what I would be getting into with him.

I want to fill his void(s) (Yes...that void, too. Pervert.)

But, the challenge is that I genuinely love Beny so much. We've been through so much. We've worked so hard to make our relationship work. It's been a good run. I can't see my relationship with him ever going away. There's a feeling in me that regardless of whatever unconventional situations we place ourselves in together (or even seperately), we will be there for each other.

I'm pretty convinced of that. I know that we are meant to be a "couple", until "death do us part". I know this. I feel this. I believe this.

So, I should feel full of life. I should feel full of love. But, I don't. I can't.

There's some dynamic occuring that is causing me to question everything: my existence, my job, my relationship, my motives, my desires, etc. Why is this happening to me? Why am I being such a whiny pussy?

My cup...overflowing with emotion.

My "state"...confused and as blank as a Will Smith "I, Robot".

Have Asian nanites corrupted my system? Have I taken a "back seat" to my life in the past few months, allowing everything to veer off in the wrong direction?

I'm not sure.

I'm sure that even with all of this uncertainty...I'm calm. Only time and open communication can solve these issues.

And, the dialogue must start within myself. It's only then can I discover...

...why I feel this way.


Anonymous Brian said...


Serve up a bowl of fried rice and don't be such a potsticker. It's never good to be a sweet AND sour chicken...

You think you got it bad in Orlando? Come to my turf honey! Portland has the most annoying people ever! These urban, tree-huggers think they are so "different" ...but if you look at them all...THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Bitching about cars and saving trees, when you know their asses have no problem driving to work, and wiping their asses with toilet paper.

3:03 PM


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