Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Why a loss of manners?

What the hell happened to our society?
When did we become so self-absorbed?

What happened to basic manners and respect?

The prompt for this rant began just moments ago as I strolled into the vile men's restroom where I work. As I sauntered up to the urinal, and unzipped my fly, I hear the guy next to me chatting away.

"What?", I asked.

No response. He was on his damn cell phone at the urinal!

As I did my own business, I overhear this pointless conversation and also listened to see if he was even doing his own business. I'm sure you've guessed correctly...he wasn't.

So there he stands, talking about his crappy day...cell phone in one hand, schlong in the other (sans urination). At least he wasn't talking about his crappy day in the crapper.

When did this behavior become acceptable? In my mind, I don't think that this shift in behavior should have become acceptable at all.

There was a time that if I came to a doorway as another person was coming through, I'd acctually apologize to them, hold the door open, and allow them to pass. What I did NOT realize is that the basic manners and respect that I displayed are no longer savvy and the king (or queen) flew through the door without even a simple, "Thank you."

I no longer display this common courtesy.

So, should I be asking myself...when did I stop with these basic manners and respect? Was there a dramatic shift in the earth's rotation that caused everyone to act with such disregard and I was a part of the "new cruelty"?

Deep down, I'd like to think that it happened when SUV's went onto the market.

Another issue for another day.

Oh! Yesterday! I was about to turn into the SuperTarget parking lot, but we were backed up at the traffic light. The sun was setting and blazing like a spotlight brilliantly illuminating the lady in the car in my rear-view mirror. What was she doing? Well, I would hope that she was driving and not about to rear-end my car. Surprisingly, she must be a member of Cirque du Soleil, because this wrinkled hag was smoking with her left hand and was holding her cell phone with her right! Talent or ridiculous behavior...you be the judge.

Good news (for her) is that she did manage to stop her car short of hitting me. I rehearsed a dramatic explosion to myself, should she had made contact with my bumper.

Oh well, I'll save that performance for another day, I suppose.

Speaking of performances...

...Paula Abdul put on quite a show on American Idol last night. She praised every contestant! 90% of them sucked! I think if all of our "modern" society was able to take the drugs she was on, the world would be a much better place. A world full of love, manners, respect, poor judgement, and glazed over eyes...with a dash of incongruent sentences.

Now wouldn't that be nice?

Why disrespect?

Friday, March 18, 2005

Why neglect? (Chapter 2)

Well, there's no real excuse...I'm just lazy. So, "sorry" to those who might be checking in to see what I've been up to lately.

Alas, I'm back today with a new blog update as to what, where, and why...

I've had a pretty lackluster week. Three nights in a row this week, Beny and I went to BJ's Wholesale Club because there's a HDTV that I want to buy...I'm just having a difficult time coughing up the credit charge when I don't really need this HDTV. It's a want. A very large want. I'm having this feeling that I'll end up purchasing it this Saturday. Well...maybe...

The alcohol prohibition is going mildly well. Last week, I only drank one night of the work week (Tuesday). This week is another story, as I've had at least one (and sometimes two) drinks a night. I've attempted to quit drinking the hard liquor and have replaced that with white wine. My doctor, Dr. Pino James Grigio, says it's fine with him. But, I've found that since I'm not totally shit-faced in the evenings, I end up getting sleepy earlier on...retiring to bed at around an "old-folks" 10:00pm.

While I haven't quit drinking completely, I find that I'm noticing signs of weight loss beginning. I'm also able to wake up and begin my day more easily.

American Idol has me hooked again this year.

As much as I've been enjoying this season's amazing talents of Nadia Turner and Anwar Homo, I'm simply devistated that Mario Vazquez quit the show. He was by-and-far MY American Idol.

I really wanted to make babies with this sexy Latino.

I loved watching his calm and polished demeanor. I also loved his clothes (yes, including the hats!) So he's off the show and now I've had to resort to imagining what kinky things I could do with Anthony Fedorov's trachea scar.

Nadia Turner is the clear winner for me, at this point.

Is it me, or does Paula Abdul look like she's got a mega-prescription for Xanax? Some nights, her eyes are so glazed over that she looks like one of those 'Communion' aliens. Word has it that she's back in the recording studio, too. Why?

Beny's working all weekend, so I'm going to be doing my usual theme park routine. Saturday, I think I'm going to camp out in Epcot by the Imagination restrooms and try to score my first ride on the park's newest offering, Soarin' (opening officially in May.) This means that while I wait, I'm going need to make repeated trips to Mexico for Fiesta Magaritas. (I do allow myself to drink on the weekends.)

Sunday, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time...I'm going to ride my Mummy.

Well, the ride at Universal anyway. One of my longest emotional supporters, William James, said that he'd be willing to go to the Universal parks with me. I'm rather looking forward to it. William can be great fun, especially when he's drunk and riding rides. Count on intellectually stimulating conversations and crotch-watching while we wait in line for Men in Black. Pina Coladas with 151 on top make Dueling Dragons a fiesta...especially with sweet William.

I'm also getting an itching to do something perverted this weekend. Look for me to cruise two of my favorite websites: www.cruisingforsex.com and www.squirt.org to see what kind of nastiness is out there.

Why am I such a whore?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Why re-invention?

Madonna has done it...over and over again. Her latest incarnation is as Mommy and Author of Children's Books. That's a big deviation from the cigar smoking Dennis-Rodman loving hard-ass or the matrimonial vixin rolling around on stage in her bridal gown.

Considering how bad my hangovers have been lately, I think it's high time that I do the same. Re-invention, that is.

Today is going to be my first attempt at NOT...I repeat, NOT...drinking when I get home from work.

I've had many light-headed dizzy spells and odd heart palpitations that lead me to believe that the time is nearing on my chronological clock. It's time for a change.

If I'm successful, I promise that I won't turn this blog into some horseshit AA meeting. I will, however, simply slip in a blurb here and there as to how I'm progressing on the 'Road to Recovery'.

I will also attempt at doing some exercise with my 'Slim in 6' DVD. (But, I won't be starting that this week. One big change at a time. Let me see how I do on kicking the liquor habit, first...okay?)

DophinQuest '05 UPDATE!

Sea World was buzzing with NASCAR-ites there for the big BBQ Festival and the stunning (smell the sarcasm) performance of 'Trick Pony'.

Donna and I were buzzing on free beer. Since the Sky Tower closed right when we arrived (due to high winds...huh?), we headed to Key West and the Dolphin Lagoon. Jupiter must have been aligned with Pluto, because it finally happened...

...I touched a damn dolphin!

You know what? I wasn't all that impressed. It felt like a wet vinyl flooring tile.

I came up with a little trick of wiggling my index finger as if it were a little fishy snack, and these previously elusive dolphins kept coming over to me in droves (or is it pods?). I was able to pet three of them...well, that is, until the plain-Jane twenty-something 'marine biologist' in the kayak paddled her blandness over to me for a little 'lecture'.

"Sir...please do not pretend that your finger is a fish. Dolphins have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth, and if they think your finger is a fish, they might actually bite you."

Fun over. DolphinQuest '05 concluded. Sea World Guest belittled.

Sunday was a wonderful day, as Beny and I went to the GM Auto Show in Motion in the Epcot Parking Lot. I had the opportunity to drive a wide variety of vehicles on test courses. If you really want the list, here it is:
  • Chevy SSR
  • Cadillac SRS
  • Lexus ES330
  • Hummer H2
  • Corvette

The Cadillac SRS (complete with it's $65,000 price tag) was the clear winner for me. It was like driving on marshmellows. The sound-system was fabulous! I could easily live in this vehicle. Maybe I should sell my condo and buy one?

DolphinQuest '05 UPDATE!

My funny friend and co-worker, Todd, just came up to me and advised me that he went to Sea World over the weekend. He verified that he had the tremendous pleasure of viewing Dolphin Dick. (Two of them, in fact.) So for all of those skeptics out there...I've got a witness...take that, you dirty rat!

Today I recieved a tidbit of news that made me extremely happy...

...John Waters' movie, 'A Dirty Shame' will be arriving on DVD on March 22nd.

If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. Any movie that shows David Hasselhoff on an airline taking a poop in the bathroom, flushing, then proceeding to show David's log becomming icy and crystalized as it plummets to Earth, the poop bonking a pedestrian on the head converting that person into a sex addict...well, that's quality filmmaking...not necessarily easy sentence writing.

If you need more proof of how brilliant this flick is, take this quote from a 'Neuter' in the movie:

"...people are shaving their privates as we speak! There's pubic hair in the air!"

And with that, I ponder...

...why NC-17?

Friday, March 04, 2005

Why am I struggling?

The obvious answer: I'm still drunk.

Last night, the drinking got way out of hand and I was up way too late. This morning, I'm shaking, tired, irritable, and am having dizzy spells.

In my office right now, six women are standing around gabbing about shoes.

Work is retarded.

The weekend plans:
  • Today at 6:30pm -- a nap to restock after sleep deprivation and then more liquor.
  • Saturday -- DolphinQuest '05 continues at Sea World with my best friend, Donna.
  • Sunday -- GM Auto-Show in Motion where I get to drive a whole bunch of brand new vehicles ranging from Hummer H2, Mercedes, Lexus, Corvettes and many more.
So a busy weekend coming up, but it should be fun.

Hopefully, the Sky Tower will be fixed and I'll be able to try to spot my condo from up there.

Things I'm looking forward to in the next few months:
  • Riding the new Soarin' ride at Epcot (April)
  • Seeing the new Lights, Motors, Action stunt show at Disney-MGM Studios (March 13th)
  • Riding the vertical drop coaster Sheikra at Busch Gardens (http://www.buschgardens.com/buschgardens/fla/sheikra.aspx)
  • Partying in a Ft.Wilderness Cabin with my friends for the Gay Day weekend. (June 3rd)
  • Getting my tax return.
  • The season finale of CSI written and directed by Quinton Tarentino. (May 19th)

Things I'm looking forward to in the next two hours:

  • Lunch

Jobs that I always thought I'd like (regardless of pay):

  • Toll Booth Attendant (flirting with fags)
  • Landscape Gardener at Disney
  • Lifeguard (checking out guys in bathing suits)
  • Spa Locker Room attendant
  • Bartender in a club
  • Flight Attendant (for the free travel opportunities)
  • TV Weatherman
  • Urban Planner
  • Prostitute / Porn Actor
  • Pharmacist
  • National Park Ranger
  • Disney Imagineer
  • Dolphin Trainer

Looking at those job choices, it's quite obvious that I want to be working outdoors, having sex, travelling and drinking...just not all at the same time. This just makes me wonder...

...why am I a Secretary?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Why dolphins?

Cleverness can lead to confusion. Clarification can lead to annoyance.

Let me explain...

...I'm sure by now, most of you might have seen references to my feable attempts at touching a dolphin at Key West at Sea World. Usually by the time I schlep my fat-ass to the dolphin tank, I have had many free beers and the dolphins have already been fed for the day. This leads to mucho frustration for me, because I lean over and stretch my arm out and these little shits look me right in the eye with their "smart-assy grin" and swim right by -- just out of arms length. Almost as if to say, "Screw you dude...you ain't got no fish."

Since I'm at Sea World often, this event repeats itself very frequently. I thought I'd be as smart-assy as the dolphins and mention it frequently in my blog...cleverness, right?

Wrong. Cleverness led to confusion when one of my long-distance friends who isn't here to "live this moment" with me week after week dropped me an email. He didn't understand the mention of the critters and thought that it must be an inside joke.

Well, I explained the story of my DolphinQuest '05 to him and he's still annoyed by it. Clarification can lead to annoyance.

What he doesn't know, is that there's more to the story.

In 2000, I had the 'Florida Resident Fun Card' to Sea World and visited the park for my first time in a very long time. While there, I went to see the dolphins at Key West and was very impressed by the beauty of the new habitat (the old dolphin pool was smaller than my parents swimming pool.) While watching these dolphins, I started to see something that I really wasn't sure I was seeing...

...Dolphin dick.

I kid you not! Many of these dolphins had something "fleshy" sticking out of their underbellies!

...Dolphin penis.

At least that's what I thought I was seeing. So, I went over to one of the Animal Experts and brazenly asked, "Is that what I think it is sticking out of the dolphins?"

The Jack Hanna wanna-be assured me it was (say it with me)...

...Dolphin cock.

I was immediately shocked (but, not offended...I mean, I'm gay and I love cock...just not too sure at that particular moment how I felt about seeing dolphin dick.)

Faux-Jack then went into more detail...

...do I really want to hear more about this?...

...I'm feeling a bit creeped out here, like when my Mom told me what maxi-pads were for...

...pseudo-Jack Hanna tells me, "Dolphins are the only animal other than human beings that have sex simply for pleasure. These dolphins have become clever enough to allow park Guests to touch them in areas that feel good to them and sometimes the dolphins get aroused, just like a human."

Okay. Take a moment for yourself here...whew!

So these demented dolphins are getting off by allowing these people to accidentally touch their 'dolphin dongs'.

Now, I must say that I haven't seen this again since 2000. Maybe it's because I'm drunk when I'm attempting to fondle a dolphin.

Disclaimer: I assure each and every one of you that I'm not attempting to "arouse" the dolphins. I just want to pet one of them...hopefully with their sunny side down. I'd rather touch Michael Jackson inappropriately than a dolphin.

Considering that these dolphins seems to "enjoy" contact with humans, I would think they'd let me at least pet one of them. But, they always swim away from me.

Why? Am I ugly?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Why Surveys?

In lieu of being a huge slacker and not updating my blog, I decided to make today 'Survey Day' and answer some questions that I'm sure you've been pining for me to answer. Enjoy!

  1. IF YOU COULD BE SOMEONE ELSE FOR A DAY, WHO WOULD IT BE? I'd be Oprah Winfrey and deposit $5 million into tripaway2day's Saving's Account.
  2. GOLD OR SILVER? Silver.
  3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? 'House of Flying Daggers' which was a very well done film...beautiful fabric textures on the costumes.
  4. FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER? 'Meatwad' on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
  5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Water and Ibuprofin.
  6. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? The Pope...talk about a boring conversation.
  7. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? Nope.
  8. WHO INSPIRES YOU? Currently, it's my dear friend Brian Hill. He's working on making his dream a 'Reality'.
  9. BEACH OR CITY? Used to be 'City'...now, I believe it'd be 'Beach', as long as I have a Corona in my hand.
  10. SUMMER OR WINTER? I hate being cold, so I'll have to say Summer.
  11. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU HAD YOUR FIRST KISS? With a boy...21.
  12. BUTTERED, PLAIN OR SALTED POPCORN? Salted and buttered. I also can go for some Kettle Corn.
  13. WORST MEMORY? Popping a boner in showers during Physical Education in 7th grade. Traumatic.
  14. BEST MEMORIES? Wild nights with dear friends. Disney Cruise Line vacation in 2000.
  15. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING? Bananas, sugar, and Mayo. Don't knock it until you've tried it!
  16. HAVE YOU ANY PETS? Yes, I have. My dipshit Chihuahua, Chopstick...I love him.
  17. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? Cluelessness and no sense of humor, easily offended.
  18. FLOWER? Orchid.
  19. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN ON THE LOTTERY HOW LONG WOULD YOU LEAVE IT BEFORE YOU TOLD PEOPLE? Not sure I'd tell people. I would, however, quit my job!
  20. FIZZY OR STILL WATER? Still water.
  21. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? It's about to be a light plum/silver.
  22. HOW MANY KEYS ARE ON YOUR KEY RING? Four. I don't even know what one of them opens.
  23. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? Bali or Tokyo...or both!
  24. CAN YOU JUGGLE, IF YES HOW MANY? I only juggle two balls, if you know what I mean...
  25. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF EXERCISE? Attempting to molest an elusive dolphin.
  26. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? My regular daily grind.
  27. WHERE DO YOU FOOD SHOP? SuperTarget.
  28. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD? Nope.

Why bother?